|Stark Naked;The Truth About Women By Ellyn Parker|
I was on a journey to uncover myself and the world in the process which led me to KALI, known as goddess of the underworld in the East who destroys all destruction in the human soul so that there may be life. In other words, she transforms all darkness until only truth remains. I have been in a prison for twenty-one years, though not the kind of prison you probably visualise when you read this. But, a prison nonetheless. My life changed drastically in 1992 when I participated in a retreat at the Foundation for Self Realization in Ashland, Oregon. Believe me, I am no Ashram girl! I belong in the world. I had met the woman and her team who run this Ashram twice before and my life would never be the same.
I was a student at the American Conservatory Theatre in San Francisco during that time when, on a hot summer day in 1987, an acting colleague invited me to listen to a channel at the Marriott hotel south of town. What the hell was a channel? I dared not ask her. My colleague was mumbling something about a medium. I had no idea what she was talking about. I figured that I would be better off just to watch and allow myself to be surprised. The event was very well attended, but the audience seemed phony, almost creepy to me. I felt completely out of place. Wherever I turned I was met with fake smiles and a false kindness. Boy, was I relieved when a young woman finally took the stage and introduced herself. Her name was Penny and her staff referred to her as Ammagi, which was a spiritual term for â€˜Little Motherâ€™. She was a likeable young woman with thick blond hair and blue eyes. She told us that she had been given a mantra that allowed her to temporarily leave her body while a higher power/energy would occupy her body to speak to us. During her absence from her body her soul would remain to the left of her head. Now, that I could understand. Every new soul that is ready to come into this world once its seed has entered a motherâ€™s womb also stays to the left of the motherâ€™s head for the duration of the pregnancy.
So, that was a channel. In other words, she was an Oracle and the power that entered her body was called a medium. In this case, the medium was referred to as MAFU. Cool! And then it all happened. Little did I know back then. The girl on stage left her body and MAFU, a massive masculine power, took her body and moved, no stormed, into the audience so quickly I could barely follow with my eyes. For a moment, I was in awe and then I went into shock and almost fell off my chair. The massive presence in this young womanâ€™s body was none other than myself. It was my own masculine power also known as oneâ€™s higher self coming through her, sending shivers down my spine. His eyes were fixated on my body the way an eagle fixates its prey. I felt paralysed. I mean, I certainly knew what my own power looked like and this was definitely it. Snap out of it, I kept telling myself in my head. I had to force myself to focus on who was before me. The topics this medium was addressing were fascinating, especially the information about events to occur in the years to come. They did and still do as the story unfolds. I could not recall leaving the seminar that night. I was on some kind of high. All I remembered from that evening was that this power that came through the Oracle was literally my masculine Self. It was I and this power housed the theory of creating a better world. And, I also knew that I would play MAFU in a movie one day. How thrilling! What thrilled me even more was that MY POWER came through this young woman and not through me. That meant that I would be able to continue my acting career while my masculine Self would continue to speak through this young womanâ€™s body. â€œYes, darling, you do your thing and I will do mine and play you in a movie one day,â€ I told an old friend then. How naive of me to believe that one and the same entity could occupy two bodies simultaneously for the rest of our lives. How could I be so wrong? Clearly, I had no clue about anything and my world was about to fall into pieces.
It was the beginning of a completely different journey â€“ a journey I did not want. I never signed up for this, I kept telling myself over and over. In short, I fought this new direction for almost five years until everything I believed in and cherished had been taken from me and I had no choice but to accept what had been placed before me. It was my masculine power, my greater I, that spoke through the Oracle and it was I who would one day have to become this greater power, the one who knew how to transform the masses on this planet. During those years that I rebelled against my destiny I saw the Oracle and MAFU one more time in November of 1988 in Santa Barbara, California at a three day retreat. It was then that my chest was pushed open forcefully and painfully three nights in a row by this massive power that I know to be my masculine Self. I almost died in the process. I recalled not being able to breathe. I would sit up in my bed in the middle of the night desperately gasping for air. It felt as if someone had pushed a large, hard object right through my chest. This went on for three nights in a row leaving my chest wide open inside and very vulnerable. What an outragous intrusion! I thought, and I could do nothing about it. My path had been laid and I have been stripped of everything I have ever owned, ever desired, ever dreamed of since.
WHAT ON EARTH FOR? The reason for this kind of journey was to transform all hardships and pain on this planet until all fear subsided in me and only truth remained which would then cause a domino effect in the world. I housed all powers present on the planet within my soul, and my Oracle was my destructive counterpart through which the theory was delivered that one day I would have to realise in the world. This was done by living through all hardships and unjust circumstances, hopefully without destroying my body along the way, transforming the Oracle and the world in the process. I was the body that needed to do the work. Let me start from the beginning.
It was five fifteen in the afternoon of February 14, 1992. I had just left the office of Booz, Allen & Hamilton. It was my last day at the company. For a year and a half, I had sat in an office working for one of the top guys, and both the company and I agreed that this kind of job did not make me happy. So, there I was jobless and relieved and on my way home from downtown San Francisco. How I loved San Francisco and my little place near the Golden Gate Bridge. I had fallen in love with the city after a vacation I took with a friend of mine several years ago and emigrated from Europe shortly thereafter.
The following two weeks I spent in Europe visiting my family. I did not have a close relationship with my family. I was the unwanted child who had carried my mother emotionally ever since I can remember. She seemed overwhelmed with everything in life â€“ period, and my father died unexpectedly when I was six. He was the only one in my family who had accepted me the way I was. My mother was forced to work after my fatherâ€™s death and I grew up with my grandmother who used to beat me for no reason. Now, my mother was married to a physician, an ego driven tyrant, I kept at a distance. During my stay at their home I chose not to mention that I had left my job in San Francisco. I no longer wanted their criticism and pressure and their own fears dumped on me anymore. I got plenty of that in my early years. My mother did not know love. To her love was money. So, I left Europe with some money in my pockets. Upon my return to the US I applied for another job at numerous companies but without any luck. An era had ended and I could feel a new one was about to begin.
I had met a group of people the year before who regularly attended retreats and seminars at the Foundation For Self Realization in Ashland, Oregon led by the Oracle I met several years ago in San Francisco. I befriended a man by the name of Frank who owned a computer company in Silicon Valley. Frank was a very kind, warm man with a Persian background who had studied and spent most of his life in the US. He and I became best buddies as time went on and it was he who eventually persuaded me to attend a three day seminar at the Foundation, which was a large compound in the hills of Ashland. I made new friends there who invited me to stay with them at their homes whenever I would come to visit. I felt welcomed, but I could not warm up to the Foundation which was a beautiful Ashram set in the midst of a forest. I did not belong there and so I was happy to return to San Francisco where my heart was. I knew I needed to be in the city to pursue my dream of becoming a well known Hollywood actress. Since I was a young child I had known that I was to be a famous movie star one day and that I housed the secret of the most beautiful woman in the world inside me. I will address this later in the book. And, I also knew already as a young child that I was too precious for this world, a sad truth that would later realise itself as would the most beautiful woman of the world.
I have known since my childhood of my charisma, my movie star presence and, in San Francisco at the American Conservatory Theatre, I learned that acting was the most natural thing I had ever done. I loved to transform and step into another character. Accents came easy as did learning other languages in a short period of time. My teachers at the Conservatory as well as my colleagues frequently compared my abilities to those of Meryl Streep. My work on stage apparently reminded them of her. I was definitely a character actress, not some pretty face, and I loved emotional depth. I felt at home playing a wide range of characters and making them my own. I love Meryl Streepâ€™s work and as flattering as such a compliment is, you really want to be known for your own work. I think they liked the projects I chose and the choices I made. It all began with playing Beverly in the Shadow Box and when a director saw me in a school performance playing Edna in Waiting for Lefty I was offered my first engagement in Berkeley which unfortunately never materialised due to the outrageous jealousy and envy of my husband then. Speaking of Meryl Streep, aside from her wonderful talent, she also has a rare gift only few people in this world come with. She has a photographic memory which allows her to recall and learn anything she chooses in a very short period of time. I knew I was born to do this. My music professor back in high school had already told my mother then how talented I was and that I had it all. She did not know how to deal with that. As I was just a kid back then who she constantly criticised and put down on a daily basis. I was too young to recognise how jealous she was of my gifts. I did not wish anyone my childhood. I wished then I had never been born. So, here I was in San Francisco wanting to become an actor and instead I found myself getting closer to the Foundation once all job offers and acting offers had been taken from me. I had reached a dead end and I was in great pain when I accepted an invitation for a celebration at the Foundation on a weekend in June where I ended up staying for six weeks. During that time the preparation for the activation of Kundalini in the human body had been made as I was soon to find out.
I was more than relieved when I left Oregon again to return to San Francisco after such a long stay at the Foundation which turned out to be a very intense time for me. I felt highly uncomfortable for the most part of my stay and the majority of the people there seemed phony and so out of touch with reality, not at all connected to themselves. The Oracle had previously been anointed a Swami in India and while there were attendees who were truly devoted to God, a higher presence in all of us, many of them especially the women, were primarily kissing the Oracleâ€™s arse. They were petrified of her. It was mind boggling how they prostituted themselves. They put up with whatever Ammagi (the Oracleâ€™s name) threw at them â€“ regardless. She could have urinated on them. They would have said thank you. The majority of the women there reminded me of the kind of women who throw themselves at rockstars and Hollywood celebrities, those who do anything just to meet some star, maybe even get to have sex with one of them. How sickening! This was definitely not my world.
Back in town, I barely got settled back in when my sister and her husband showed up at my door. They were visiting from Europe and I had kept them waiting with my late return from Ashland. We took a trip up to Napa Valley, indulged in some wine tasting and very much enjoyed our time together. I was happy that they were here. It temporarily took my mind off of the experiences I had encountered at the Ashram. My sister and her husband left California again after a couple of weeks and I had just got used to being alone again when I was swept off of my feet. An outrageous feeling of love came all over me out of nowhere. Nobody caused it. It came from deep within me and pushed itself into every cell in my body. I knew what it was like to be in love, but I had never known such an outrageous level of love before in my life. And, there was no one in particular I was in love with. I had fallen in love with myself, with my higher Self to be precise. I was in love like never before and when I told my buddy Frank about it, I received a call from the Foundation about an upcoming retreat. I could not have been happier then. Now that I had finally accepted what my higher Self meant to me, I would be introduced to everyone at the Foundation as the original body of the power that spoke through the Oracle and as the one who led this transformational process. That was what my body had been prepared for during the last five years and I knew that I would be heading this venture. I made peace with myself and with losing my acting career. I was content knowing that I was about to receive a most interesting job. I was born to lead.
Frank and I arrived in Ashland way ahead of the retreat at the Ashram. I was too excited to stay in San Francisco any longer. I wanted to be close to the Foundation now. Ashland was a quaint little town sitting in a valley twenty-two miles north of the Californian border. It was an artsy tourist town with many galleries showing the work of local artists. The University of Southern Oregon had its campus there and it was the home of the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. Ashland was also a town that attracted lots of new agers. It had become a mecca for people on a spiritual mission. A number of alternative physicians had found their way there to settle down. It was a friendly mix of people. I felt right at home. Soft music was coming through the loud speakers when Frank and I arrived at the Ashram. The temple, an exquisite place that exuded warmth and tranquility, was packed with people from all over the world. It was dimly lit and beautifully decorated with rare crystals and a stunning altar surrounded by white roses, their smell filling the room. We were all waiting for MAFU, but he never came. Instead, every participant was blindfolded by the Oracleâ€™s staff and taken to her ranch about an hourâ€™s drive away. We were all blindfolded for four days and four nights while residing in a temple at the ranch. The food was brought to us during that time, however toilets et cetera, we needed to find ourselves. Four days and four nights without any hygiene, no brushing your hair and my period had just started. Say no more!
On DAY ONE, I still knew my way around the temple and where to find the door. On DAY TWO, I still found the exit but lost touch with everything else. On DAY THREE, I no longer knew my way around the temple anymore nor did I care. And on DAY FOUR, I no longer wanted to take off my blindfold and return to this world. That was the moment when they came off. I remembered walking outside the temple to get some fresh air and could barely believe my eyes. Everything looked so much brighter, the colours of the trees were more intense, much greener as was the rest of the vegetation. The biggest surprise, however, came when I looked at myself in the mirror after four days of not taking care of my body. My hair had never looked more beautiful and my skin had never been softer. I was startled at how fabulous I looked. The icing on the cake was that there was no body odour, especially as I had menstruated heavily during that time. This experience really took my breath away. I could not put my finger on it at the time, but I knew that something very powerful had just occurred. Several people in the group still had their blindfolds on. They were asked to do so for twelve more days by MAFU while the rest of us just hung around.
Knowing that this was my power that came through the Oracle, I put my focus on her and her staff. During the entire retreat I became a witness to over and over again to how MAFU would say one thing and the Oracle and her staff would do the complete opposite. In fact, she had no clue nor was she interested in what was being taught. I had had that feeling already the last time I stayed at the Foundation that she was the most undeveloped and difficult one of the whole group and needed to be brought along. The fact that she completely ignored me did not help matters, either. Several days passed and I had been feeling nauseous all morning when MAFU called me upstairs for a personal audience. I used this opportunity to tell my higher power (my masculine Self) that the Oracle and her staff were not interested in his teachings at all. On the contrary. They were destroying his creation. It was the truth. He smiled nodding and responded with: â€œSo, what are you going to do about it?â€â€¦and then he left. Charming! I thought. Now, I need to fix it? You gotta be kidding me. Needless to say, I did not sleep well that night and by morning, I felt sick. I could tell something was up. People were nervously pacing up and down the halls, looking very worried, and some of the Oracleâ€™s staff avoided me as if I suffered from some deadly disease. I soon found out why.
I was having a conversation outside when the Oracle came stomping towards me, accompanied by three people who actually had to stop her from harming me. She was fuming and yelling at me screaming that I had found my match with her and that she really wanted to kill me. Her staff had their hands full to stop her from hitting me. She was so enraged. Well, I knew then what I had assumed for some time already. She was my destructive counterpart and I needed to bring her along. That was why the medium chose her to speak through. You always keep the focus on the weakest one, the way any good therapist would do in a group. You focus on the one who needs it the most. So much for my leadership there. Over her dead body would she ever allow for the truth to be known at HER Ashram. It may be her Ashram, but it was MY work and wisdom that was being taught. She was starting to make millions with my knowledge and I could do nothing about it. I had nothing in writing. She knew all along who I was and the role I played. She just did not want to give up her power and especially the millions of dollars she was beginning to receive for my work and teachings. The people who attended the seminars, I call them Mafuites, and her staff were only focused on her. They all thought she was the one with that power and knowledge. She held them in her hands. They all wanted her to be their saviour, their star, even though she showed them on a daily basis how destructive and clueless and how very uninterested she was. She just wanted the power all along. It would still take several more years for some of the Mafuites to realise that she knew nothing at all. I left that retreat completely heartbroken and disillusioned. I felt so used and abused that I threw up on my way home. Little did I know that this was only the beginning of a very long and hard journey to come.
I could not wait to get back to San Francisco after this ordeal and it took me a while to digest what had happened. During that time I decided to cut my long hair really short. I could go really short. It suited me. Growing it out again became a pain in the butt, and how the opposite sex ignored me all over sudden was surprising indeed. I was always sought after by many men and now they avoided me as if I had some disease. Wow! All in all I appreciated this new behaviour as I was in no place to deal with a man in my life at that time. There was an enormous awakening and turnaround of my life beginning to surface that I could not yet get my hands on. I just knew that I had no control over it and I was so pissed off with the Foundation that I had no intention of returning there any time soon. It took a lot of persuasion from Frank and other friends of mine to join them for a Christmas event at the Ashram a couple of months later. I reluctantly came along in the hope that I would not run into the Oracle while I was there. To my relief she never showed her face. My higher power, MAFU, on the other hand whispered into my ear that he was pleased that I had come and that he missed my long hair. I looked at him in disbelief. He just smiled at me and walked off. Typical male! My God, masculine power was all the same, no matter what body you stuffed them into.
The Christmas party turned out to be a friendly get-together until a girl I knew by the name of Jennifer walked up to me and confronted me, asking why on earth had I attempted to kill the Oracle several weeks ago. Apparently, everyone was talking about it. I was completely thrown off guard by her words and started gasping for air. She kept talking until I interrupted her to say that the Oracle had twisted the facts and that it was the Oracle who wanted to kill me. Boy, I sure got the hell out of there fast that night. My friends were speechless when I told them what had happened. Especially Nancy, whom I refer to as Queenie, a nickname I had given her for her grace and stately presence, was shocked. Queenie and I had become very good friends. She was a tall, older, attractive woman from Florida who now lived in Ashland. Queenie was wary of the Oracle who seemed to scare her. As I already mentioned, most of those who attended retreats at the Foundation were petrified of the Oracle who was becoming more man than woman.
Frank and I occasionally met in the city to spend some time together. We laughed a lot and cherished each otherâ€™s company. We had become really good buddies and could talk about anything at all. One Sunday afternoon in January, he visited me in my home near the Golden Gate Bridge. He looked worried and he seemed agitated when he walked in. He slumped into a chair and told me that his company had not been doing well for several months and then asked me for a favour. I had some Tarot cards I occasionally played with and Frank wanted me to lay some cards to see if the situation would improve. So, I let him shuffle and then had him pick three cards that told a whole story to me. I saw a woman who was slender and dark haired like myself. She spoke English with a different accent, so I told him. What the hell did this have to do with his company, he hissed at me. Nothing, I said, because there was nothing in the cards about his company. However, there was this woman I just described who he would meet in three months and he would marry her. Frank just laughed in disbelief and called it a day.
Two months had passed and I was losing the last of my business connections in San Francisco. At the same time, friends from Ashland informed me that the medium MAFU had begun new meditation retreats with drums. They were sexy and hot and Frank and I decided to go and check them out. We learned that Kundalini was being birthed.
Kundalini, the creative life force that sits at the base of your spine, was being activated in the human body and infiltrating every cell by utlising specific breathing techniques whereby you combine your sexual center with your heart and crown and all other energy centres while listening to wild beats of the drum. The sessions were cool except for several women who tried their best to get noticed. Their sexual centres were awakening (though more pretending to be awakening) and they were out screaming one another to give the illusion they were hotter than the rest. It was prostitution at its best and I struggled not to laugh as I listened to these women faking orgasms. How could any man fall for such crap? Yet, millions of women fake it every day, mostly to hold on to â€˜theirâ€™ man. If I were a man, I would be turned off and choose abstinence instead. Prostitution and jealousy were definitely the downfall of the female force and now reborn, starting to thrive again.
It was spring and I decided to spend a couple of extra days at a friendâ€™s house in Ashland after a Kundalini retreat. I stayed in a beautiful home in the center of town on a hillside overlooking the valley. There was a large wooden deck up front and in the back a hot tub off of the living room glass doors. My friend offered to move me in with him as a roommate. I felt flattered and thanked him and returned to San Francisco that evening.
It was the end of April and MAFU was doing a weekend seminar in Los Angeles at a gorgeous hotel right on the ocean in Santa Monica. Frank and I decided to go. I took the plane to Los Angeles. Frank drove down in his car and met me at the airport. When we entered the hotel, the convention room where the event was to take place was still closed but people from all over the world had already gathered and were lining up outside, forming two rows. Frank and I joined them and watched the lines become longer by the minute. There were many new faces. I suddenly locked my eyes onto a dark haired woman who stood opposite me in the other row. I was in awe. I tapped Frank on his shoulder to point her out to him and to tell him that this was the woman I had seen in the cards three months earlier and that he would marry her. Frank repeatedly told me to shut up, but I kept talking. They eventually met. Well, it turned out that she was Australian, therefore the accent, they married three years later and are still married to this day. Hallelujah! Little did I know then how powerful a betrayer she would become. During that retreat, MAFU spoke again of world changes that were to come and he worked on a number of people to get them to open their hearts.
Back in San Francisco nothing would ever be the same again. Frank picked me up in his car a couple of days after our return from Los Angeles and there she was sitting in the passenger seat, the woman he would marry three years later. Her name was Robyn. I had decided to give up my place in San Francisco and a couple of months later I moved into my new home in Ashland, the one my friend had offered to me earlier on to share with him. It was the beginning of summer. Roses were in full bloom in all the gardens around me as far as the eye could see. Ashland looked beautiful. It was so alive with all its theatre productions and the many pretty restaurants and bed and breakfasts around town. Frank and Robyn frequently drove up from San Francisco and would occasionally come to visit. Robyn had left her husband in Australia and during one of her visits, she invited me to travel to Australia with her in the fall to organise her belongings to be shipped to the US. I had never been to Australia and could hardly wait to go.
I love to fly, but the trip to Australia seemed to take forever. Robyn and I were exhausted, yet excited when we stepped off the plane in Melbourne. Australia! I fell in love the moment I arrived. We spent several days in Melbourne and then drove up the entire east coast to Cairns. Along the way we spent a few days with Robynâ€™s family in Mackay, Northern Queensland which seemed familiar to me. I was certain that I had been there before and I sounded like an Aussie after a few days. I knew this land and remembered how people in the United States often thought of me as an Australian when they heard me speak. It was during my stay there that I began to teach Kundalini. Robynâ€™s mom had organised a group of people and they loved it. I took them through a session by myself first and later shared with them a taped session with MAFU playing the drums. I learned to my surprise that the group preferred the session I did with them over the one with MAFU playing the drums. I felt flattered at the time until I figured out that it was me who brought this enormous love I had unleashed inside me to the people at the Ashram to begin with so that Kundalini could be birthed in the first place. It was my doing all along. Silly me! I was beginning to feel good in my new job as a spiritual teacher and made peace with my higher power for having taken away all the things that I loved. I especially fell in love with Cairns, where Robyn and I visited with one of her friends, a journalist. She invited us to stay with her and her kids in her kidsâ€™ treehouse. Robyn played along and I really had a ball! A room with a view over the ocean. It could not get any better than this. I think Robyn felt uneasy, because her journalist friend warned us of a crocodile that was hanging around close by as well as a large python that was on the loose. A couple of cats from the neighbourhood had already disappeared. Câ€™est la vie! How I loved the simplicity of life in Australia and the openness of its people, no matter where we went. I felt so at home and knew on my way back to the US that I would return again soon.
After returning to Ashland, I participated in another retreat at the Foundation in December of that year. I knew that I was soon to spend some time at the Ashram. We called in the New Year with a major Kundalini session after which MAFU told us that his work with us had been done and that everything from then on was merely entertainment. Yet, it was in the air that an important retreat was soon to begin, but no date had been scheduled. Nor did a date ever come until my inner voice told me to go there on January 19. So I did and the retreat was born. Soon others arrived after word got out that sessions were already under way. The retreat dragged on for weeks on end and I once again became aware that I was, as all the times before, transmuting everyoneâ€™s difficulties including the Oracleâ€™s. Little by little people eventually left to return to their jobs in the world and soon there were only a handful of people left. It was then that the Oracle invited me to come and spend some time at the ranch. I did not know whether to laugh or cry at the time. The ranch and the Foundation were the home of my Oracle â€“ not mine. I hated Ashrams and her arse kissing slaves. She had become a living monster that everyone around her was petrified of. She was really difficult to be around as you never knew what awaited you when she showed up. Ammagi had every problem you could think of including just about every phobia that existed. Her soul was so young. She had barely had any lifetimes at all and the few there had been, she had been a killer and destroyer. That was all her power knew how to do and I was to transform her and this very large group of people from all over the world who studied with my higher power. My Oracle was a former police officer and prostitute in LA who was proud of the fact that she had been with more than a thousand men in her youth. Charming! Tony Curtis was one of her clients. Now she was studying the Baghavad Gita and ancient spiritual practices.
As I mentioned before, Ammagi was anointed a Swami in India a few years previously by MAFU. And so, her staff and many other Mafuites there began to believe that she was the enlightened one. They were already so brainwashed. Anyone with a clear conscience and a little common sense could see how truly fucked up and undeveloped this girl was. But people see what they want to see. Many of the people who attended retreats needed to be inspired and be given hope. Many had been sick not just physically but emotionally and needed healing. Then there were also different types of physicians, therapists and artists who were looking to gain insight into themselves and into the human soul in general. They all wanted someone to look up to and because MAFU spoke through Ammagiâ€™s body they figured it had to have been her. Amen!!! She did have a gift, but not this one. She had a fabulous voice. I was surprised at how easy it was to manipulate people, especially those who were vulnerable and fragile. The Oracle made the most of it as I was about to find out or, more accurately, she would prove to me what I had already known about her and her staff.
On March 23, 1994, I arrived at the ranch uneasy and a little sick to my stomach. I settled in as best as I knew how. There was no one to greet me or to show me around. I slept in a barn with other long term residents and noticed how reserved they were towards me. I would later find out that they were scared that I would take their place. I had assured them on numerous occasions during my time there that I was only to stay for a little while. I did not know how long as I was not sure what I was really looking for at the time. But, I promised them it would not be for long. Still, the residents remained cold towards me and avoided me whenever they could. The first two weeks really sucked and I was about to leave the Ashram again when the announcement came that MAFU would speak to us that evening. I knew he came for me and he made me stay and he also came for Tony, the Oracleâ€™s ex-husband. She had him placed in a sanatorium for nothing he had done but for one of her crazy, pathetic assumptions you knew were a lie. Her phobias and anxieties could and occasionally would become life threatening to those around her. She was a sick girl. At least, after that evening, Tony was accepted by the people at the ranch again.
I stayed on and was put in charge of the kitchen which involved a lot more than just cooking for a large group of people. The kitchen was the meeting place where, more often than not, sessions would take place without any warning. It was during that time that I witnessed how the Oracle would do and say things just to get people to give her a lot of money for so called â€˜special retreatsâ€™ that were no different from others. I watched her shave her head to get people to donate to her Foundation. She did anything to support her crazy lifestyle. She had just about every plastic surgery you could think of performed on her body and she chartered private planes for one of her snow leopards. The ranch eventually turned into a tiger sanctuary. It all began with a snow leopard. The tigers followed later. During my time there, she had a snow leopard called Andy. We occasionally had sessions outside with Andy joining us. I particularly remembered one afternoon where the cat was agitated with the Oracle and attempted to strike her. In turn, she accused one of the residents and beat the shit out of him before my very eyes. This had nothing to do with the wisdom that was being taught and that I had come to recall inside me. I knew then that it was time to leave and what I had already known about her and the rest at the Ashram had been confirmed to me once again. Prior to my departure she pressured all of the residents there to beat up her girlfriend and lover Michelle Taylor in MY kitchen as she called it. Some of them were reluctant, however those who wanted to get close to the Oracle started attacking Michelle. I was so appalled I left the ranch quickly. I had seen enough. MAFU told the residents that night that KALI had left the ranch. They were too ignorant to figure out who he was talking about. I was the only one who had left the ranch that day.
A few days later I took a trip to Europe to visit my family and to straighten out my thoughts. It became clear to me why we began this process of transformation, or enlightenment as spiritual leaders would call it, at an Ashram, a religious institution. My Oracleâ€™s Foundation was officially recognised as a religious non-profit organisation. As for my personal religious background, I grew up with the Protestant/Lutheran philosophy . Not even as a child could I warm up to its teaching nor any other religious doctrine. I have always believed that there was something greater than I out there. However, all these religious institutions felt creepy to me. The smell in any of the churches I had ever visited reminded me of empty, mouldy houses that had not been lived in in a long time. Its coldness would run shivers down my spine. The Buddhist principle was the only belief I warmed up to. It simply made sense to me that all answers lay within you and it stood for the willingness to die so that another may live. In other words, serving the world by giving unconditionally. That I could relate to. The rest of all the religious dogmas out there merely served to control the masses and feed them with fear. Look at our history and the battles that were fought over religious beliefs and still are today. It is common knowledge that the greatest killings in our history did not occur through some crazy leaders on this planet but through the catholic church. I believe the principles of each religion that exists are worth contemplating. However, the institutions that were born out of that with their leaders and hierarchy turned them all into cults. Cults infested with power and greed.
A human does not know how to make mistakes. Only the forces do. And we are all led by a force which is an energy, a fequency. That brings me back to why my higher power pulled me into an Ashram. I HATE THEM WITH A PASSION! The reason I do is because they are nothing more than cults that use and abuse weak and innocent people and spit them out when they are through with them. I was to expose the truth of these institutions to the world. And the only way you could really do this was by becoming part of one â€“ at least temporarily I had.
My Oracle was bisexual. She walked over anyone she could get her hands on. She was not fussy. She (mis)used her devotees, sucked them dry and then spit them out. People there were blind. They believed she was more special than anyone else and allowed her to trample all over them. She destroyed marriages and the people in question just put up with it thinking it was all for a higher purpose. Oh, how delusional they were! And so were disciples in similar institutions all over the world and probably still are to this day. So little was known about Ashrams. India was full of them and now they had also started to spread in the western world. It was nauseating to know that Sai Baba, for example, liked young boys and robbed them of their life force which enabled him to manifest in public like the magicians do in Las Vegas. These kids had to sacrifice themselves so he could show off and the western world was fascinated. How sickening! And, the western world was so fascinated because it had no clue who these leaders really were. Nor did they understand the forces and how they interacted during sexual intercourse. In Sai Babaâ€™s eyes, women were there to serve him and the magic he took from his young loversâ€™ energies. Men and women not only have sex to reproduce, but for man it is vital to ingest female sexual secretion, creative female life force, which occurs through the tip of the penis to sustain his life. That was the reason women were born at all, to feed the masculine force with life. This life force is also found in womenâ€™s saliva and also in healthy young children. Children burst with vitality.
I HATE THE USE OF CONDOMS and the reason I do is because they block the female life force from going where it needs to go for man to balance his testosterone and to sustain his life. Sexual intercourse was never thought as a careless fucking around. It was thought to bring male and female forces closer together and express their love for one another. Sexuality was thought as precious and was to be cherished between two people. Mankind (the masculine world) has trashed just about everything beautiful and precious on this planet including sexual expression. It was thought to be a dance between two souls and not some common daily ritual or like my Oracle changing partners the way you change your underpants. The worst was yet to come.
Apparently, a lot of sex is good for you â€“ MOST DEFINITELY NOT! It is a myth created by the masculine world. Sexual activity between two people is only life enhancing and enjoyable when both partners are sexually compatible and engage in the sexual rhythm of the female partner as she produces the sexual life energy for both. Sex is most definitely counter productive when two partners are not compatible sexually and ages you faster. It also makes you harder looking and empty over time and results in sickness in the human body. Your sexual energy is your core energy, your highest good you ought to preserve and only give away in moderation until you come upon someone who can match it and then live and explore it fully.
Sexual expression between two people consists of give and take whereby the female partner gives all of her energy to the man and a man gives to a woman by what he does for her. In other words, a man absorbs the female energy and balances it with his actions, by taking care of his womanâ€™s daily needs and her desires.
Come to think of it, how did all the celibate monks in the monasteries on the planet survive without any women? The Dalai Lama came to mind and I was told that he and his people ingested female sexual secretion through the tip of their penises in ceremonies â€“ to sustain their lives. Of course! In retrospect, such an act was only natural as the masculine body begins to self destruct after six years when not balanced with adequate female life force. I sure would love to know who seduced the girls there. Surely not the Dalai Lama himself. I burst into laughter thinking of an interview with Richard Gere, a good friend of the Dalai Lama, wherein he spoke about his attempt to abstain from having sex like the Dalai Lama did. He did not succeed. I rolled on the floor laughing. The Dalai Lama simply had someone else do the job, but he still got the goodies. Oh, Richard! Men were so funny. That thought stayed with me for a long time...and the Catholic church? How would all these celibate priests and cardinals, et cetera sustain their lives behind closed doors? Their halls were covered in secrecies and covert behaviour always led to destruction. The Catholic church was known to be the breeding ground for sexual abuse. Occasionally some of their sexual misuse would surface. But it was just the surface. I leave you with painting your own picture.
I was about to turn a page. Upon my return from Austria I made plans to go back to Australia over the summer. This time I headed straight to Queensland, Northern Queensland. I visited Robynâ€™s parents in Mackay and spent a week on Hamilton Island before I headed up to Cairns. I spent a few days with Robynâ€™s friend, the journalist and she let me sleep in her kidsâ€™ treehouse again. This woman lived in a really cool house that was partially open. There were no doors between the terrace and the living room and her bathroom was outside with gorgeous tiles all around, but no doors.
I had met a photographer in Cairns the previous year and we took a liking to one another. I met him again this time around and we ended up having a brief affair until he appeared on the local television channel thinking he was about to become a star. I immediately called it quits. It was always the same. I would meet a man and as soon as we got involved sexually he would turn into a star overnight â€“ on my energy. Regardless of their background and the jobs they held. It was truly frustrating. I would turn any man into a star overnight and in turn the men in question believed their time had come to take on the world and no longer found any time for me. They were too ignorant and stupid to figure out where this sudden success came from. Men and women exchange their powers during sexual intercourse and while my power turned them all into instant success, my life in turn would fall apart. Each time. It sucked! I knew I was not alone with this problem and often watched other couples in the world go through the same. Who would soar to new heights and whose life would deteriorate? It bothered me that most men were so ignorant and never asked where their sudden success came from, especially after they had just met someone new. Needless to say my photographerâ€™s fame soon faded again after I left him. There were always many men interested in meeting and being with me. However, in the end they were really only interested in what I could do for them. In other words, for them to advance in their careers. My brief marriage to a Scot was no different. One day, he resigned his job, because he was convinced that he would be famous soon. He expected me to carry him financially, regardless of the fact that we had mortgage and car payments, et cetera. I left him and I have been divorced for several years now. Again, his fame never came.
My ex-husband serves as proof that the greatest light attracts the greatest darkness. I certainly did. I house the greatest sexual female power in the world and my ex-husband did his best during our three year marriage to ruin me completely. He suffered from a bi-polar disorder (common in very young and undeveloped souls) which he hid very well until the day we got married. I knew he had problems he did not know how to control at times. However, I was still naive enough to believe that I could help him cure his abusive behaviour. Our marriage certificate almost became a death sentence for me as my ex-husband took that as a licence that he owned me and his true colours surfaced on our wedding night. His continuous threats and abuse I would not wish upon anyone. Being as strong as I am, I really thought I could get him to change for the better. I learned quickly that you can only change yourself. Heavy abuse on all levels were part of my married life then together with the fact that he ruined my acting career behind my back, attempted to turn my family against me also behind my back and when I left him he even attempted to have me kicked out of the country. On the day of our divorce, I was alone in the coutroom and the judge took my side. My ex-husband had long vanished and was trying his luck in Hollywood now. At the end of our marriage, he admitted that he was immensely jealous of my talents and the fact that I had it all. That was why he expected me to carry him not only financially, but to also sacrifice my career and support his acting career instead while he continued to abuse me on all levels. End of story: the greatest light attracts and has to overcome the greatest darkness. It sucks.
The following month during my stay in Australia the whole life expo took place in Cairns and I became one of the speakers. I had made no preparations, but I knew what I wanted to say and spoke freely introducing the audience to Kundalini. The Aussies loved it and I was immediately approached to teach seminars on Kundalini. So, I extended my stay for several more weeks and I had a ball getting to know the town and its people. One incident especially would stay with me for the rest of my life. There was a little Italian restaurant downtown where I had eaten before. That particular evening I was approached by the waiter telling me that there would be a private show later on for a birthday party in the back and that I was more than welcome to stay if I wanted to. I turned my head to the back of the room and, indeed, there was a large group of women celebrating. I then watched the waiter move from table to table telling guests what he had told me. Well, I decided to stay on and the group of women immediately invited me to join their table.
The last of the guests had just left when the lights suddenly went out. Heavy rock music filled the room and a dancer dressed in black leather, his face completely hidden behind a helmet, began to rock the house. This was no ordinary strip show as I was about to see. This guy loved what he did. You could tell by every move he made, the way he merged and immersed himself with the music while undressing slowly. He put on a brilliant dance show and finished by falling to his knees in a string before the birthday girl. I had never experienced anything this gracious and sexy and professional in my life. His name was Luke and he put on a show to remember. I hated strip shows in general. I hated any form of selling cheap sex. But what I witnessed that night was a sexy dance expressed as art. And, he was gorgeous looking. Luke was a therapist by day and a dancer by night. He sure knew how to balance his life. The Aussies really know how to celebrate. We danced, drank up a storm and partied till dawn. It was during my time in Cairns that I decided to leave the Ashram permanently upon my return to the US. I had claimed my power back. It was time.
Stepping into Power
How I missed the colours of Australia the moment I returned to the US. Everything from the vegetation to the birds to the colours of the sky seemed so much brighter there than it was on the US west coast. The Oracle had heard of my return and wanted me back at the Ashram. I did not go and let her know that it was time for me to leave. She was irritated and postponed an upcoming retreat for over three months. When it finally happened, MAFU came through her body and began the session by returning our powers to us, the very reason I attended at all. My job there was done and I was finally free to leave. The Oracle was a pain in the arse during that whole retreat. She provoked all of us on numerous occasions. I recalled how I wanted to refrain from one of the yoga classes. She found out about it and immediately blackmailed me. If I chose not to attend, she would not allow MAFU to speak through her. She was good at blackmail. My friend Queenie, who I attended the retreat with, was frustrated not only with the Oracle, but with the whole event. She knew it was also time for her to pull back from the Foundation, though she struggled with that decision for several more months.
It was a clear evening in late February when Queenie and I had dinner outside. The week had been unusally warm for this time of the year. The air smelt fresh and a feeling of freedom filled my bones. Another medium, by the name of Balsar, whom I had met the previous year through a friend had told me repeatedly how I enlightened everyone at the Ashram whenever I went there. Now I understood what he meant. I carried them all and transmuted their heaviness and troubles every time I was there. After each retreat at the Foundation that I had participated in, I would look and feel sick while others looked happy and relieved. Participants would return to the world feeling inspired while my world fell apart â€“ every single time. Some people were so moved by their experiences there that they invested and donated millions of dollars to the Foundation for the work I had done and still did. Elisabeth Chandra, a resident at the Ashram, donated millions to the Foundation during the time I was there for the love and knowledge I had brought to the Ashram that would allow for their healing. Their hearts were opening and Chandra as well as others including Hedy Klineman from New York gave millions of dollars for my work that would one day allow the masses to transform. Yet, I never saw a dime of it nor could I take the Oracle to court. I had nothing in writing. To be honest, it did not bother me much at the time. I just wanted to be free and pursue my passion of moviemaking again. I had to accept the fact that the Oracle and her team made millions through fraud. I knew the Oracleâ€™s soul was destructive and criminal in nature. I was glad to have left and I figured that I would make my own fortune if I was allowed to pursue my career.
Money was never my focus. It was always and would always be the storytelling and to pass along my wisdom. Come to think of it, not even Queenie would have believed me had I told her the truth about my role at the Ashram. Yet, it was she who once told me after I had stayed at her home for a week that no one lived MAFUâ€™s wisdom as brilliantly as I did. She was not able to put two and two together. The majority of the people who studied at the Foundation seemed to be the most unconscious and sickest of people I had ever met, Queenie included. She seemed so clueless of reality. It was easy to see that she had always been taken care of in her life. To her and people like her MAFU was some kind of grand, unattainable power that no individual could ever have. They knew that they were part of this source energy, this power that spoke through the Oracle. However, it never occurred to them that this power could also have his own body on the planet today. His own male body and his own female body who would lead this transformation. And that female was I. A female body simply because masculine force is merely theory and female force is the one that turns the theory into life.
TO ALL MAFUITES: it takes a human body to create anything in this world. When the fuck will that sink into your sick little heads? And, the force called MAFU that brought you Kundalini in 1992 has its own body in the world. It is not the Oracle nor will it ever be. Her body merely served as the transmitter of the theory of the purpose sought.
April came and Queenie and I took a trip to Puerto Vallarta to celebrate our newly found freedom. We met a couple of friends there who lived at a gorgeous condominium complex south of town. Our friends owned a couple of units in the building and Queenie and I had rented one. The complex was constructed like an upscale resort with a huge swimming pool including a swim-up bar and a restaurant right on the water. There were two fabulous beaches, one on each side of the complex. We were located on the tenth floor right in the middle of the building overlooking the entire bay of Puerto Vallarta. Say no more! Our friends had met us at the airport and we were ready to party. And boy, did we ever! On day two, we drank â€˜fish bowl sizeâ€™ margaritas in the afternoon and none of us could remember how we made it from south of town to the esplanade downtown that evening. I vaguely recalled that our friends were driving. They, too, suffered from a blackout. What the hell! We made it and after a couple of strong coffees we were ready to start all over. I had found a new passion. Tequila! Gosh, how I loved a good Tequila! I just had to make sure to drink plenty of water in between if I wanted to remember my night the following morning. We followed the music and spent the rest of the evening listening to fabulous Peruvian music and sipping Tequila. The front man of the band flirted heavily with me all night. His name was Marco Polo, okay, but he sure was cute and very charming.
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