The Dirty Little eBook of Sex Quotes Edited by Mark Zedler

“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” declared Marilyn Monroe illustrating her wonderful sense of humour.    Kevin Costner suggested “Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even  if  you're  not  good  at  them.”     And  let’s  not  forget  Ken Hammond who once remarked “What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? ‘Honey, I'm home’.”
The Dirty Little eBook of Sex Quotes
The Dirty Little eBook of Sex Quotes Edited by Mark Zedler

Most everyone enjoys reading quotes about sex.   We delight in reading them because they are so often uncomfortably true.   Sex quotes often convey an embedded message that we know to be true but are afraid or unwilling to utter in public.  Without a doubt few things can spice up a conversation about sex or sexuality more than a well-chosen sex quote.  Given our affinity for sex quotes, wouldn’t it be great to have the best sex quotes available compiled in a free eBook? Well here it is folks!

“Sex is the great amateur art.”

-David Cort

“Sex is a short cut to everything.”

-Anne Cumming

“Hair is another name for sex.”

-Vidal Sassoon

“Sex is an emotion in motion.”

-Mae West

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation...The other eight are unimportant.”

-Henry Miller

“Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes.”

-Marilyn Sokol

“Sex is a body-contact sport. It is safe to watch but more fun to play.”

-Thomas Szasz

“Great food is like great sex -the more you have the more you want.”

-Gael Greene

“Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any”


“Sex is simple - love is painful.”

-Ron Jeremy

“Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.”

-Woody Allen

“Sex is a discovery.”

-Fannie Hurst

“If sex isn't a joke, what is?”

-Nella Larsen

“Sex is the gateway to life.”

-Frank Harris

“Sex is a lot like pizza, when it's good, it's really good; when it's bad, it's still kinda good.”

-Brandon Lyon

“Sex is nature's way of saying 'Hi!'”


“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”

-George Burns

“There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.”

-Lewis Grizzard

“I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.”

-John Waters

“Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.”

-Woody Allen

“A dirty book is rarely dusty.”


“How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.”

-Will Durst

“I read so many bad things about sex that I had to give up reading.”


“I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher -
they are going to make a board game out of it.”

-Woody Allen

“I always think clothes make you look fat, so I prefer to be naked.”

-Pamela Anderson

“It's great being blonde - with such low expectations
it's easy to impress.”

-Pamela Anderson

“I would read Playboy magazine more often, but my glasses keep steaming over.”

-George Burns

“I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.”

-Johnny Carson

“Certain times I like sex. Like after a cigarette.”

-Rodney Dangerfield

“During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.”

-Rodney Dangerfield

Photography:  Hollywood  by loop_oh

“If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.”

-Rodney Dangerfield

“Hell, if I'd jumped on all the dames I'm supposed to have jumped on, I'd have had no time to go fishing.”

-Clarke Gable

“My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.   “

-Bob Hope

“Everybody  got  it  wrong.  I  said  I  was  into  porn
again, not born again.”

-Billy Idol

“I always thought of losing my virginity as a career move.”


“My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me.”

-Bette Midler

Photography:  Musso & Frank Grill  by Caveman 92223

“Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children.”

-Sam Austin

“I'm  not  really  a  homosexual.  I  just  help  them  out  when they're busy.”

-Frank Carson

“There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex. People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.”

-Elton John

Photography: Capital Pride Parade, Albany NY 2009 by albany_tim

“It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it.”

-Winston Churchill

“I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.”

-Bernard Manning

“A  'Bay  Area  Bisexual'  told  me  I  didn't  quite
coincide with either of her desires.”

-Woody Allen

“Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a
Saturday night.”

-Woody Allen

“I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.”


“Sex   between   a   man   and   a   woman   can   be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.”

-Woody Allen

“I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two
people. Between five, it's fantastic.”

-Woody Allen

“Home is heaven and orgies are vile.  But you need
an orgy, once in a while.”

-Ogden Nash

“The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was
when I dated a schizophrenic.”

-Rita Rudner

“I'm a trisexual, I'll try anything once”

-Samantha Jones

“If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.”

-George Carlin

“Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.”

-Karl Marx

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have  a  good  partner,  you'd  better  have  a good hand.”

-Woody Allen

“I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

-Woody Allen

“Masturbation:  the primary sexual activity of mankind.  In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a

-Thomas Szasz

“Masturbation is always very safe. You not only control the person you're with, but you can leave when you want to.”

-Dudley Moore

“Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.”

-Woody Allen

“The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to get dressed up for it.”

-Truman Capote

Photography:  Question Mark  by andreanna

“Sex is a big question mark. It is something people will talk about forever.”

-Catherine Deneuve

“I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

-Woody Allen

“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
raises some pretty good questions.”

-Woody Allen

“Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  'Yes' is the answer.”

-Swami X

“The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.”

-Honore de Balzac

“I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti- climax.”

-Scott Roeben

“My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.”

-Woody Allen

“My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.”

-Woody Allen

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was,
'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.”

-Joan Rivers

“I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.”

-Joan Rivers

Photography:  no idea  by aloshbennett

“When a guy goes to a hooker, he's not paying her for sex, he's paying her to leave.”


“When  a  man  talks  dirty  to  a  woman,  it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.”


“Money it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did.”

-James Arthur Baldwin

“The  big  difference  between  sex  for  money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.”
-Brendan Behan                                                                                                                                          Photography: Money by duckiemonster

“I have never liked bargains when it came to sex.”

-Hedy Lemarr

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”

-Steve Martin

“Sex is like money; only too much is enough.”

-John Updike

“It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.”

-Brigitte Bardot

“I don't think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.”

-Prince Philip

“The Englishman can get along with sex quite perfectly so long as he can pretend that it isn't sex but something else.”

-James Agate

“A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are.”

-Victor Lownes

“You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, Photography: moral compass by dphilhawksworth
are now extinct.”
-Somerset Maugham

“Sex  has  become  more  and  more  attractive because of its condemnation by priests”


“I  think  people  should  mate  for  life,  like pigeons or Catholics.”

-Woody Allen

“Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn't!”

-George Bernard Shaw

“Why is sex a sin if it is the only thing that keeps the human race from disappearing?”


“To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals.”

-Don Schrader

“Of the delights of this world, man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.”

-Mark Twain

“What more fiendish proof of cosmic irresponsibility than a Nature which, having invented sex as a way to mix genes, then permits to arise, amid all its perfumed and hypnotic inducements to mate, a tireless tribe of spirochetes and viruses that torture and kill us for following orders?”

-John Updike

“Chastity is curable, if detected early.”

-Woody Allen

“Of all sexual aberrations, perhaps the most peculiar is chastity.”

-Rimy de Gourmont

“Chastity:  The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.”

-Aldous Huxley

“Abstinence is a perversion.”

-Bill Maher

“It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could
be a virtue.”


“Oh Lord give me chastity, but do not give it yet.”

-St Augustine

“I lost my virginity when I was 14. And I haven't been able to find it.”

-David Duchovny

"The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity."

-Ambrose Bierce

"We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition."

-Alex Comfort

If Kinsey is right, I have only done what comes naturally, what the average American does secretly, drenching himself in guilt fixations and phobias because of his sense of sinning. I have never felt myself a sinner or committed what I would call a sin.

-Mae West

Now, if groups like Moral Majority have their way, there won't be any sex education at school, and our kids will be the dumbest in the world when it comes to sex.... But our parents are sexually retarded too.... Fear and primitive morals are creating a sexual pressure-cooker in this country and soon the top will blow.... Only in the U.S. do we find children drawing a picture of a baby coming from the clouds or from under a cabbage leaf.

-Floyd Martinson

Photography: Protesters by scragz

Those who have prophesied dreadful consequences as a result of the greater sexual freedom which the young assert  - unwanted babies, venereal disease and so on - are usually the very same people who seek the fulfillment of their prophecies by opposing the free availability to the young of contraception and the removal of the stigma and mystification that surround venereal disease.

-Colin Ward

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.

-Butch Hancock

“Sex is God's joke on human beings.”

-Bette Davis

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”

-Robin Williams

“The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm.”


“If God considers sex as sin, then there is no
greater sinner than God”


“If God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.”

-Carrie P Snow

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five.  Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”

-Rita Rudner

“God created the flirt as soon as he made the fool”

-Victor Hugo

Photography: ...orgasm is a sincere gift from GOD. by M i x y

“My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she


“It  isn’t  premarital  sex  if  you  have  no  intention  of getting married.”

-Matt Barry

“Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says 'You're only interested in one thing, & you can't remember what it is.”

-Milton Berle

“Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.”

-Mae West

Photography:  Wedding's Rings  by comeilmare

“The main problem in marriage is that for a man sex is a hunger like eating. If the man is hungry and can’t get to a fancy Fr ench restaurant, he goes to a hot dog stand. For a woman, what is important is love and romance.”

-Joan Fontaine

“Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.”

-Rod Stewart

“What comes first in a relationship is lust -
then more lust.”

-Jacqueline Bisset

“I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.”

-Jay McInerney

“Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.”

-Sharon Stone

“Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.”

-Barbara Cartland

“Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”

-Robin Williams

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading.”

-Steve Jobs

Photography:  Love, Midtown, New York City, NY  by thomasrstegelmann

“Sex relieves tension - love causes it.”

-Woody Allen

“I  think  I  could  fall  madly  in  bed  with you.”


“Nothing  makes  you  forget  about  love like sex.”

-Staci Beasley

“Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.
-Harlan Ellison

“I know love and lust don't always keep the same company.”

-Stephenie Meyer

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”

-Woody Allen

“Making love? It's a communion with a woman. The bed is the holy table. There I find passion -- and purification.”

-Omar Sharif

“I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me.”

-Scott Roeben

“Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.”

-Bob Rubin

“Condoms should be marketed in 3 sizes, jumbo, colossal, and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small.”

-Barbara Seaman

“For birth control I rely on my personality.”

-Milt Abel

“I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No’”

-Woody Allen

“My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.”

-Joan Rivers

“Just saying 'no' prevents teenage pregnancy the
way 'Have a nice day' cures chronic depression.”

-Faye Wattleton

“I think that making love is the best form of exercise.”

-Cary Grant

“To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.”

-Cary Grant

“Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.”

-Robert Heinlein

“Healthy, lusty sex is wonderful.”

-John Wayne

“An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.”

-Mae West

“I  wouldn't  recommend  sex,  drugs  or  insanity  for  everyone,  but  they've always worked for me.”

-Hunter S Thompson

“Don't  do  it  behind the garden gate. Love is
blind but the neighbors ain't!”


“Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.”

“Remember, sex is like a Chinese dinner. It ain't
over 'til you both get your cookie.”
-Alec Baldwin

“There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.”

-George Burns

“We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time.”

-Arthur Hoppe

“It’s erotic if you’re using a feather. It’s kinky if you’re using the whole damn chicken.”


“Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.”


“I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.”

-Bill Clinton

“I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.”

-Bill Clinton

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”

-Barbara Bush

“The President inserted a cigar into Ms Lewinsky's vagina, then put the cigar in
his mouth and said: ‘It tastes good’.”

-Kenneth Starr

“In America sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it is a fact.”

-Marlene Dietrich

“Censorship feeds the dirty mind more than the four-
letter word itself.”
-Dick Cavett

Sexism is the foundation on which all tyranny is built. Every social form of hierarchy and abuse is modeled on male-over-female domination.
-Andrea Dworkin

“We should teach general ethics to both men and women, but sexual relationships themselves must not be policed. Sex, like the city streets, would be risk-free only in totalitarian regimes.”

-Camille Paglia

Photography:  Censorship  by hannes.trapp

“I am sure no other civilization, not even the Romans, has showed such a vast proportion of ignominious and degraded nudity, and ugly, squalid dirty sex. Because no other civilization has driven sex into the underworld, and nudity to the water closet."

-D. H.   Lawrence

“I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.”
- J. Edgar Hoover

“Obscenity is whatever gives the Judge an erection.”


“The  state  has  no  place  in  the  bedrooms of  the nation.”

-Pierre Trudeau

“The  major  civilizing  force  in  the  world  is  not religion, it is sex.”

-Hugh Hefner

“What all your sex desire is Sovereignty.”

-John Dryden

“Adultery is the application of democracy to love.”

-H. L. Mencken

“My cock doesn't talk politics.”
-S. Sachs Photography:  democracy by dnorman

Photography: The Telus World of Science by kennymatic

“Two-parent sex appeared on the scene about 500,000,000 years ago.”

-Mark Jerome Walters

“An erection is like the Theory of Relativity - the more you think about it, the harder it gets.”


“I think sex is better than logic, but I
can't prove it.”


“Love  is  a  matter  of  chemistry,  but sex is a matter of physics.”


“Science is a lot like sex. Sometimes something useful comes of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it.”

-Richard Feynman

Photography: TV control by apdk

“Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.”


“Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure.”

-Bob Hope

“The  cable  TV  sex  channels  don't  expand  our  horizons,  don't  make  us  better
people, and don't come in clearly enough.”

-Bill Maher

“I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.”
-Gore Vidal

“I love sex. It's free and doesn't require special shoes.”


“Sex is more than an act of pleasure, its' the ability to be able to feel so close to a person, so connected, so comfortable that it's almost breathtaking to the point you feel you can’t take it. And at this moment you're a part of them.”


“You have to accept the fact that part of the sizzle of sex comes from the danger of sex. You can be overpowered.”

-Camille Paglia

“Sex   hasn't   been   the   same   since   women
started enjoying it.”

-Lewis Grizzard

“Sexual love is the most stupendous fact of the universe, and the most magical mystery our poor blind senses know.”

-Amy Lowell

“Winning is like sex, the more you do it, the more you like it.”

-Felix Sabates

“Anyone who says that gratuitous sex is no substitute for gratuitous violence obviously hasn't had enough gratuitous sex.” - Geoff Spear

I love what I do for a living.

-Jenna Jameson

Making eye contact during rough sex is roughly the equivalent trying to read
Dostoyevsky on a rollercoaster.

-Jenna Jameson

Posing nude has to be one of my favorite things in the world.

-Jenna Jameson

I try my hardest to push the point that I am a feminist. I really think it`s important that people know that the women in this industry are empowered. They run it, man. It`s awesome.

-Jenna Jameson

“Lots of women tell me I'm their idol.”

- Jenna Jameson

© Glenn Francis,

I am disappointed that my parents didn't give birth to a porn star.

-Rufus Wainwright

We don't want any sad stories in porn.

-Ron Jeremy

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.”

-Woody Allen

“If  sex  doesn't  scare  the  cat,  you're  not  doing  it right.”


“Sex pleasure in woman is a kind of magic spell; it demands complete abandon; if words or movements oppose the magic of caresses, the spell is broken.”

-Simone de Beauvoir

“Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.”

-Phyllis Diller

“If I were asked for a one line answer to the question What makes a woman good in bed? I would say, A man who is good in bed.”

-Bob Guccione

“But seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.”

-Waiter Rant

“Any idiot can get laid when they’re famous. That’s easy. It’s getting laid when you’re not famous that takes some talent.”

-Kevin Bacon

“Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.”

-Sophia Loren

“Skill makes love unending.”

“It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover.”

-Marge Piercy

“Nothing risqué, nothing gained.”

-Alexander Woollcott

“Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.”

-Aimee Mullins

“If your life at night is good, you think you have everything.”


had it, you probably won't either.”


“Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.”

-Woody Allen

“Fighting  for  peace  is  like  screwing  for virginity.”

-George Carlin

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.”

-Erica Jong

“Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography.”

-Robert Byrne

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”

-Billy Crystal

“Sex, unlike justice, should not be seen to be done.”

-Evelyn Laye


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